Maternal Ambivalence explores the unspoken truths of motherhood—and how embracing even the darkest emotions can lead to deeper love and connection.

This article is excerpted from Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments and Bitter Truths of Motherhood by Margo Lowy, PhD.

Deep inside ourselves, every mother is convinced of certain realities that keep her going. 

She is aware, even if the understanding is buried in her subconscious, that her mothering is full of many myths and taboos. They tempt her to be rigid when she needs to be fluid, and they tell her she needs to be totally selfless when in fact she can’t ever really give herself away completely. Who isn’t drawn into the lie of perfection? 

Mothering is traditionally expressed in terms of extremes—that is, the mother is imagined as either all giving, tender and devoted … or its opposite: mean, selfish and self-serving.

Social media, arguably the most influential platform today for young mothers, generally mirrors this trend and divides mothering between something that is achievable in all its wonder and selflessness … or an experience that is continually dismal.

However, mothering is both.

While this truth is beginning to emerge, it isn’t yet widely understood or accepted. The account of mothering that favors being moderate and inclusive—the and being important to note—is what I call enough, and it is my preferred narrative. It is distinct from those that encourage extremes and exclusivity, such as perfection or imperfection. 

Typically, moms prefer to show happy, smiley, contented faces to the world. They prefer to send a message that all is good and that they are managing motherhood without a hitch. They convey positive feelings such as satisfaction, acceptance, gratification, patience, presence and pride in their mothering.

The catch is there’s something untruthful here. It’s not so wonderful all the time. So, what are mothers hiding when they only show this side—and more important, why are they hiding anything?

As well as the joy and love, there is self-blame, guilt, shame, never-ending vigilance, worry, resentment, anxiety, hatred and anger. Perhaps the most despairing feeling is the tedium, the absolute exhaustion that is a soul-destroying part of everyday life, which most mothers fear admitting to, even to themselves. 

One of the primary aspects of this battle within, of course, is related to those two somewhat separate existences: mother and person.

Why is sharing this reality still taboo—the daily grind, the exhaustion, the sheer ordinariness, and the struggle, along with the joys that make up daily life? There are still plenty of long-held maternal myths that affect mothers daily as we strive to distinguish between what looks perfect on the outside and what our inner reality contains, and the truth is that falling short often as a mother is what makes her human. It is also the only quality that allows her to grow—even to thrive. 

It is in these moments of conflicting emotions that the “enough” mother has the presence of mind to use these feelings as a tool, almost as an engine rather than an enemy of her mothering. She notices that often her troubling feelings—moments such as those of irritation, exhaustion, resentment and at times even pangs of hate—also renew and restore her love while attracting vital and softer emotions, including compassion, laughter, humor, hope, care, concern, gratitude and pity. While she recognizes flashes of hate in her anger, she has come to realize that they are also present, although mostly in disguise, hiding under other more seemingly harmless emotions such as guilt, shame and resentment. All these feelings offer ways to transform her hateful feelings into loving ones. 

That young mother’s raw plea, “I just want to be enough,” continually echoes in my ears. There’s a plain yet complicated truth in enoughness: It is a mother’s battle cry to keep things real. The yearning, hoping and praying to be enough, is what guides us through daily life, both as mothers and as people.

One of the primary aspects of this battle within, of course, is related to those two somewhat separate existences: mother and person. There is the combination of our internal disposition, our past and current life experiences, notably those with our own family of origin, what we saw as children, how we were mothered, and how we fit with our child. These memories and experiences are unconsciously, continually returned to throughout a mother’s life in all of her interactions with her child. 

There is a dance for the mother as she feels she is enough one minute, then not enough in the next, as she shifts between her inside and outside worlds. However, at times her inner world is dominated by a strong inner critic, who saps her self-confidence and seduces her by offering her a safe place to avoid the real pain of everyday mothering. This inner saboteur encourages the mother to play a role and to rely on an external ideal rather than the flow of her genuine emotions as a guide. By buying into this deception, her growth falters, and she becomes cut off from herself and her child. 

It can take a long time for the power that we give to taboo to diminish so it no longer controls us. 

What can a mother do with these unspeakable feelings? If you’ve read this far, you’re hopefully as convinced as I am that these emotions need their own space and cannot be disregarded or ignored. She realizes that they can teach her something. Can she see that the tension between her contradictory feelings, such as her pain, anxiety, worry, fears, and even flashes of hate, are a clue to something? Can she use them as a source of repair rather than shame or judgment? Is she open enough? The mother who is enough can give all her feelings a space and hold them together well enough as she hangs onto—rather than disregards—the gritty, uncomfortable and taboo parts of herself. 

There is a real danger in holding on too closely to taboo rather than embracing truth, especially in the early years of motherhood. We’re usually younger, inexperienced and riddled with doubts and concerns about whether we’re doing the right thing for our children. Am I doing this the right way? Should I bottle-feed? Am I a bad mother if I don’t like to breastfeed?

And as a child gets older: When is the right time to send my child to daycare? Can I go back to work?

We worry and despair over one decision, until the next one pops up like a PEZ dispenser, and we lose confidence in ourselves entirely. Our fear of being labeled bad, unfit, selfish, lazy and worse gets deeper and deeper—unless we learn to normalize taboo. It can take a long time for the power that we give to taboo to diminish so it no longer controls us. 

The “enough” mother develops and preserves an inner dialogue that reassures her that her struggles are normal despite the daily hardship and interruption. She cultivates and listens to her inner voice that assures her that she’s okay, that she has a handle on her losses and missteps, and that she can manage her feelings of anxiety. She comes to terms with the dual reality of motherhood—the inseparable yet conflicted emotions it provokes—and learns that it is best for herself and her family to look at life anew through the lens of and rather than or.