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For the Love of Grok
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My new book offers an incisive exploration of why many young women wear body-revealing outfits and share sexy selfies and what these choices say about our toxic, sexist culture.
Panicked parents kept messaging me about their daughters’ “inappropriate” clothes and selfies. What do I, an expert on slut-shaming, they asked, suggest they say to their daughters? I realized the only way I could be of help was to speak with young people to find out what was going on.
I ended up spending six years speaking with young women and nonbinary people around the U.S., ages 14-30. We talked about the nonconsensual sexualization they experience on a regular basis at school, online, and in nearly every space they inhabit in their daily lives—and how they are seizing a sense of bodily autonomy for themselves. We also discussed their victimization through revenge porn and deepfakes, and the pros and cons of OnlyFans.
The result is Sexy Selfie Nation: Standing Up for Yourself in Today’s Toxic, Sexist Culture. I show that critiques of young women’s clothing and selfies are misguided, even harmful. Instead, the problem we all should be concerned about is the toxic, sexist conditions that shape young women’s daily lives. With women’s bodily autonomy under attack, this issue is more important than ever.
The following is an excerpt from my new book, out May 20.
In the spring of 2023, as temperatures in New York City climbed, young women faced a dilemma: They wanted to wear summery tank tops and miniskirts but were concerned that as they traveled around the city, especially on the subway, they would be met with predatory stares, harassing, “Hey baby, won’t you give me a smile?” comments, and even unwanted touches and gropes.
And so, being resourceful New York women, they hatched a solution: the “subway shirt.”
An oversized, shapeless shirt one slips over her “real” outfit, the subway shirt—also referred to as an “outfit dampener”—hides the contours of one’s body from neck to thighs, shielding from view the skimpy outfit beneath. And, because this is the age of TikTok, a few women shared their genius trick with other women on social media. The cover-up went viral.
It’s fantastic that women on TikTok raised awareness of the harm caused by sexual harassment and assault in public spaces. Hopefully, the result is that now more people recognize how scary it can be to simply go about your day, including taking the subway, as a woman (or as someone gender-non-conforming).
Claire Henrick, 24, told The Guardian, “I wish I didn’t have to wear one and that it was safe to be able to wear what I want. It feels like I’m going back to a middle school dress code as an adult—continuing to dress so that men leave me alone.”
Ajana Grove, 19, who had moved to New York from Nebraska, added, “I learned quickly that I can walk around and do what I want as long as I’m covered up. Every time I forget my subway shirt, I instantly regret it and think about turning around.”
Did these TikTokers devise a solution to the age-old problem of being harassed and assaulted? No, they did not. There is no evidence that harassment or assault is motivated by what a victim wears. While covering up might make you feel safer, the subway shirt offers no real protection against sexual harassment and assault. And if someone does not wear a subway shirt over their tank top and is victimized, they did nothing wrong.
However, the subway shirt phenomenon resonated because it reveals the lived experience of young women, who are always being watched—and sexualized. Having grown up devoid of privacy in a culture that values sexy femininity, you experience a sharp contradiction between wanting to appear sexually provocative and feeling pressured to appear so—but selectively, and only on your terms.
As Henrick told The Guardian, the big question is when to remove the subway shirt: “When you’re in line for the event? Right as you walk in? In the bathroom? Everyone thinks I just came in this huge shirt, but then, oooh, look at my cute top.” By choosing the optimal moment for the big reveal, Henrick controls the narrative about how hot she looks.
As news of the subway shirt trend imploded, extreme-right-wing men, including “incels” (men who, because of sexual rejection by women, openly despise and denigrate women) and white nationalists had something to say. Someone created a thread on 4chan titled, “New York sluts accidentally discover modest dressing.” Many of the comments exuded vile racism and misogyny. Throughout, commentators opined—paradoxically—that women who wear subway shirts are “sluts,” “hookers” and “whores.” One anonymous contributor wrote, “It’s truly unbelievable what the women are currently wearing as the weather gets nice. They literally look like prostitutes working the streets.” Another wrote, “NOOOOOOOO I WANNA DRESS LIKE A DISRUPTIVE WHORE AND FACE NO CONSEQUENCES,” while another added, “At this point they’re begging to get raped.”
The individuals who contributed to this anonymous website board were particularly extreme, crude and repulsive. But the essence of their collective opinion—that women are to be evaluated in sexual terms, whether they wear revealing clothes or do the precise opposite and intentionally cover up—is mainstream. Even middle-aged, church-going women say much the same thing, albeit under the cover of maternalistic concern.
In 2019, a mother of four sons named Maryann White wrote a letter to the editor that went viral. White was horrified that a group of young women in the pew in front of her family at Mass wore tight leggings. She expressed empathy for the men sitting in the pews behind the women because they were forced to see their behinds, even if they didn’t want to. (I don’t think she recognized that people can move their eyes to focus on what they want.) White—who became known in the press and social media as “Leggings Mom”—also expressed worry that these young women were jeopardizing their own safety—presumably because the men who could not control their gaze would also not be able to restrain themselves from sexually harassing or even assaulting the young women.
With judgments like this, is it any wonder that many young women refuse to go out in public without a subway shirt? The subway shirt signifies control and privacy—two key things that we all deserve yet are denied young women today.
Great Job Leora Tanenbaum & the Team @ Ms. Magazine Source link for sharing this story.
